Cliffs

It’s not that I don’t want to get my homework done.  I do.  I really really do, but for some reason I can’t ever seem to start it.  It’s not that I don’t want to be productive at work.  I do, but for some reason I can’t ever seem to focus.  I know that if I just buckle-down and work, it really won’t take that long.  I try to tell myself that all of the stress and anxiety that I’m feeling is directly related my work not being done.  I try to bribe myself with promises of leisure time as soon as I’m finished, but deep down I must know that bribes are wrong because I never take them.  For me,  doing a homework assignment or a task at work is like jumping off a cliff.  I stand at the edge, my toes gripping the lip as I rock back and forth, trying to muster the courage to leap.  Ever ounce of reason and every rational thought I have in my head, screams at me to do it.  Just do it!!!  There’s no reason not to listen to them.  There’s no reason not to take the plunge, but before I can something else takes hold of me.  A little voice that says, “Okay.  I will, but just let me do this one thing first.”  We all know that it’s never just one thing and pretty soon over an hour has gone by and I’m still standing on that cliff.

It’s not that I lack the ability to concentrate.  Far from it.  I can lose myself in a video game for hours.  I can organize a massive DVD collection without ever taking a break.  I can sit down and listen to an entire CD and be oblivious to the passing of time.  I know I can concentrate, but just not on anything important.  I often feel as though I’m trapped inside my own head with no way out.  I shouldn’t have problems like this.  I’m a grown man for crying out loud!  When there’s something that has to be done, normal, healthy adults just do it right?  What’s wrong with me that I can’t do that?!  Why is it that I am my own worst enemy?!  Why am I the one that is always getting in my way?!  Why am I the one who is constantly holding me back?!  Why do I constantly feel like a child who needs to be told what to do?!  Why can’t I be normal?!  I don’t want to be exceptional or outstanding.  I don’t want to be extraordinary or amazing.  I just want to be normal.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

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Kiss

When I first found out that Stacy and I were going to have a little girl, I had some mixed emotions.  One part of me was very excited because that part of me had always wanted a little girl.  However, another part of me was scared of having to protect a little girl from all of those awful boys out there.  I was worried because I was a boy and I knew what boys thought about.  Every guy out there knows what I’m talking about and every girl out there who’s married to a boy knows what I’m talking about.  As soon as the words, “It’s a girl!” came out of the doctor’s mouth I began planning.  I started making a list of questions that I would ask any boy who wanted to so much as hold my daughter’s hand.  I started making a list of thing I needed to buy.  A shovel, a gun, and about 200 acres of land in a remote, undisclosed location.  But despite all my planning, I feel as though I’ve already failed my little girl.  ”How?” you may ask.  Well, Kali doesn’t turn 1 until April, but she’s already gotten her first kiss from a boy.

Here’s how it all went down. We were out to dinner with Brian and Anna, Kalianna’s god-parents.  We were just finishing up, when I noticed a father leaving, his little boy in tow.  The boy couldn’t have been any more than 3 or 4 years old.  As they approached, the little boy spotted Kali and his eyes lit up.  Without saying a word to anyone, he walked right up, and planted a kiss right on her cheek.  Now, this is the part that made me worried.  While Stacy, Anna, Brian and I found it funny and the boy’s father found it embarrassing, Kali seemed to think that is was awesome.  She smiled at me as if to say, “Daddy, he thinks I’m cute!”  Now, the weird part is that I thought the whole thing was super cute.

What I think I’ve learned from all of this, is that when Kali starts dating, I’m not going  to want to kill every boy that comes near her.  I learned that I’m going to be happy for her when she has her first crush and that boy likes her back.  So, congratulation Kali, your dad isn’t going to embarrass you or the future boys that you’ll date.  At least, not on purpose.  And to all those boys out there, treat my daughter well, and we’ll be great friends.  Mistreat her… well, let me just say that I’ve watched a lot of CSI and I know what not to do.